new paper towel rolls and the apocalypse

Let the chaos begin. Commence last-ditch efforts to attain sex and/or masturbation, say goodbye to the ones you love- new rolls of paper towels, despite being a simple contraption, are supremely difficult to crack open. Though we can build skyscrapers and create vehicles that exceed 200mph, we can't get the easy shit right. It’s all coming to a rapid end.

I know now that there is no way that the world can continue spinning on its axis without whirling off and imploding into oblivion… because we can’t even make paper towel rolls that don’t rip to shreds when you attempt to use them for the first time. I just want to wipe my face with something dry, not perform a surgical procedure on a damn paper towel roll just to get the first piece off. This is how I know we are regressing as a species. 

If I were rich… ahem… when I’m rich I will have my butler remove the first sheet from every roll. Toilet paper too. You know when you want a leaf of it but only have one hand free? That’s the worst. Ever try to tear a piece off but it falls to the floor? The roll just seems to know when you want to tear it or when you want more paper, and just consistently does the opposite. Asshole.

Getting that initial towel is a complex process that requires full attention. When you need it most, the paper towel roll just is not there for you. It's like that friend that only calls you when they needs something. (Yes 'they'. Fuck he/she correct grammatical bullshit) At least you can get them back by constantly wiping your ass with them.

it's my storage in a box

 

Nope, not that good at photoshop. There is actually a 35-foot tall, split-in-half black man with no facial features waiting for a girl to open his package somewhere amidst the streets of the Bronx. And this isn't even the disturbing part. He works for a storage company that won't let him move from his post 100 feet off the ground. Poor bastard. 


Really though, this is their logo?!? I think that typically, the logos of successful storage companies don't depict anyone inserting their junk into any objects, let alone the ones they are trying to get you to use. Who uses storage facilities anyway?