why you aren't allowed to spread cream cheese in class

Let me get this straight right off the bat: There are several acceptable food and beverage items for classroom consumption, this I admit, and we will get to them. However, there are many more which are absolutely prohibited under any circumstance by the laws of common sense, respect for other people, and purpose of being in class in the first place.

We all understand that sometimes, people just don’t have time to have a proper meal at a suitable location, so they are forced to bring their breakfast to class. And hey, class can even go three hours at times, and you might need something to carry you through it. Understandable. There are limits though, you wouldn’t bring a 10-pound steak dinner to class, would you?

First offense: Loud chips. Look, we don’t have a problem with you consuming 200 horrific-for-you calories, we just don’t want to be distracted from the interesting lecture being given up front. More like we just want a different distraction, something that isn’t the rough equivalent of a miniature cowbell orchestra holding a concert sitting atop the anti-tragus of your ear (Leave me alone, my mother is a speech pathologist).

By the way, do you think the Beatles are talking about what I think they are? “Happiness is a warm gun” Yeah, probably. Sluts.

So yeah, cream cheese on a bagel in class. I guess not that big a deal. But to be spreading the cream cheese? That’s where I draw the line. You can bring food to class, but you can’t make it. Make it! If you can spread cream cheese, I’m gonna be in the back making teriyaki fondue and offering fine cheese samples to any late entrants. Besides, that stuff has such a strong smell- who wants to smell your damn food? Nobody besides you buddy.

Speaking of which, let’s talk about the four most commonly found classmates.

You don’t know them, but they are permanently burned into your memory.

            I’m doing subtitles now I guess. Is that what you call these things? Who cares.

The Smart Piece of Shit: Here’s the disheveled dark-haired, crummy plaid-shirted, obnoxious, ask-a-thousand-questions dirtbag you will always find in your typical philosophy or neuroscience class. “Excuse me Dr. Powers, wouldn’t that be a self-contradicting ontological argument relative to Descartes’ razing theory of metaphysical proportions?”  Jeez can’t this kid shut his face? I’ll give you this though, you’re the smartest kid in the class. But you’re not the only person in here bro.

The Mild P. O. S.: The Robin to his Batman. This guy plays off other peoples’ ideas more than Carlos Mencia. This kid had glasses stuck on his mug before he could say “Daddy, why is that man hitting his forehead against your belt buckle?” All his life he’s been trying to live up to the whole ‘glasses=smart' thing (is that a thing?). Some dumb things stick with us I guess. Every time the S.P.O.S. (Yes, O needs to be mentioned in acronyms, always.) says anything, you get the follow-up insignificant garbage you could only expect to hear from the Mild. I think that’s a quality shorthand for him.

Two Cents: Take a wild guess. There’s no such thing as a subject that gets by without the input of T.C. Typically a female, (as I’m sure you could imagine) her outlook is apparently a necessity 100% of the time. Poor girl, if she only knew that not only do we not care, we probably wouldn’t even if a valuable phoneme managed to escape from her jaw.

Bandana: Aptly named for some kind of head wrap he is likely to be found sporting, Bandana is the stoner kid who shows up 15 minutes late to every class. No biggie I guess, unless you don’t like getting a secondhand high during Anthro. And it might not even be worth mentioning if he wasn’t constantly asking questions one could only consider inquiring about during extreme hallucinatory states. Unlike the others, I think this one is worth having in class if you’ve got someone with a sense of humor to sit next to with adequate distance from the kid. Nothing like a good laugh while some dude tries to explain to 150 people why aborigines pierce the bridges of their noses.

Back to business I guess. The bottom line here is that it just ain’t right to making a dining room out of a small, confined, forcibly-quiet public place. The next time this happens to you, be a pioneer and tell them what you think of it. Just be prepared to feel incredibly empowered.

If you must, bring something quiet, something with a more mild or non-existent smell. No fried or exotic foods. Maybe a pre-cut apple. Even PB n J. Wait till after class if you need more filling nourishment. Classroom etiquette, that's all. Same reason Larry David doesn't wear shorts on planes, same reason we hold in gas in public places (...sometimes). The golden rule right? Mutual respect isn't dead yet... hopefully.

HWTJ, words i cannot bear to bother to write. yes, bear to bother

I probably won't have anything interesting to say in the ensuing paragraphs, because it can really all be summed it pretty simply: Those Jared Jewelers commercials have eaten my non-existent soul alive. Probably yours too. So if that's enough, you need not continue on.

However, might your time be ample and your curiosity insatiable, you've arrived here and will surely be disappointed. There are a laundry list of products I refuse to buy and programs I will never take part in simply because of their choices of advertising. (Kars-4-Kids, Head-On, Levi's to name a few)  Jared Jewelers falls into this category. Given, the above commercial is not the only one discussed here, I couldn't find the other... Thanks for understanding.

Number one: No girl is going to express her engagement to a friend by exclaiming "Eghhh he went to Jared!!!! Egghhhhhhh" First off- most girls, at least before the first publication of this commercial would respond promptly with a "What are you talking about bitch, who the hell is Jared? Now where'd I put my vagisil...."

Number two: How does this commercial make you WANT to buy a diamond from them? No man in his right mind would see this commercial and say "Well, looks like that's the place I'm going to buy my wife her wedding ring. I want to hear 'He went to Jared!' 1,000 times the rest of my life." This kind of amateur 'catch-phrase' advertising is generally used for 20-dollar toys, not friggin' diamonds! Augh. Don't know how else to express my disgust.

Number three: GPS systems DO NOT talk! Not mine at least.

If you like this commercial for any reason other than finding its ridiculousness to be humorous, feel free to jump off your nearest bridge. ;-) Or just don't ever mention it to me. Either way.

snl: tenure up yet? maybe not

 Directions:

Step 1- Watch first video

Step 2- Watch second video

Step 3- Think they're funny

Looks like SNL isn't totally off the map yet. I actually saw the SNL version of this... (advertisement?) first, and I just couldn't believe how accurate they actually were. Hysterical.

In other news, it's getting cold. Too cold. Somebody should follow me around with a couple of industrial-strength hair dryers and blast me with warm air constantly. Any takers? Wow, I think once you're talking about the weather, it's just about time to move on. Generally speaking that is.

i’m a little bit jewish, a little bit catholic, and 100% full of shit

My whole life, I’ve had to explain to people that I’m ‘half-jewish’. It was kind of assumed the other half was that really popular religion about how our omniscient god couldn’t figure out a better way to get us to love one other than to have his only son tortured, killed, then resurrected. Whatever they call that one. To kids, all that it really means is “My Dad is one of those big, bald, financially.. intelligent guys, and my Mom used to wear a cross 35 years ago”.

I hated not knowing which one I was. I wasn’t as cool as most kids because I didn’t have one identity in that department. Almost everyone else did. Anything setting you apart from the ‘normal’ crowd was a bad thing in those days. Now, being an outsider seems to be a positive attribute. This probably can only do us well as a society, as it helps eliminate the group mentality.

Take the shape of the Earth for example. If that first guy who said the world was round never spoke up, and everybody just followed the crowd… You know where I’m going with this. Same goes for the whole ‘geocentric’ view on the universe. Sheesh how pompous can we be? The universe literally revolves around us!? See, this is why we need dissenters. And yes, I am one. ;-)  How hypocritical of me.

Religion feeds on our dire need to feel like a part of a group. You know how excited people get about whatever groups they get into when they’re in their 20’s, fraternities and sororities for example? Take that mentality, but drill it in when they're so young they don’t even get why till it’s already a part of their self-image, and boom you’ve got a devout religious follower.

As a kid, I desperately wanted to have this feeling. Do you think I had any idea what they were actually talking about in there? Of course not. But I did want free pancakes on Saturdays and to have an excuse to hang out with some new friends. But back to the problem at hand, the good old ‘half’ a religion concept.

What a joke. Hey, I have half a soul. I half like pancakes. I’m half a Dodgers fan. You can’t be half a religion, guys. Give it up. Either you believe in a religion, you don’t, or maybe you like some concepts in a religion, but it’s not your faith. You can’t have your fake and eat it too. I know now, that although for years I proclaimed myself a half-jew, I never, not once in my life for one second had a religious faith. At least, not one that existed outside of something I sort of put together myself.

Furthermore, something sounding cool doesn’t mean you think it’s true. I know, everybody likes Buddhism because of how cool it would be to die and come back as a flower lily. Maybe if the correlation between cool-soundingness of religious concepts and how popular they are wasn’t so high, it would be easier to believe in them. I’ve also found the same goes for beer. Allow me to explain: The cooler the brand name of a beer, the exponentially terrible it will taste. Example: Asahi, delicious, with a plain old Japanese name. Victory Golden Monkey (who doesn’t like monkeys? Golden ones for that matter.): After I drank this pitiful, pathetic excuse for a fermented beverage, I seriously considered giving up the consumption of liquids as a whole. Sounding cool ≠ Veracity.

So for all of you half-religion followers out there, your burden is relieved. You now can realize how beliefless and agnostic you really are, and can feel free to choose among the thousands of belief systems out there to waste your time on. My beliefs on this subject can be summed up by referencing Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: You know the scene where Indy has to choose between all those cups to find which one was the holy grail? (Or else he dies a horrific death, i.e. face melting) The most beat-up, piece of crap cup turns out to be the divine chalice. Picture every religion is its own cup. I can’t imagine in a million years that the right one is the nicest looking, shiniest of them all. What, it just so happens the nicest way it could be, is the truth? Nothing else in life is like that, and I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell can’t subscribe to something that is so distant from reality.

delayed intro, lacking apologies... and wit

My bad. Does that count as an apology? Not my intention exactly. I did forget to open this thing up with an... opening. You probably know me, because if you don't, I really am not sure why you're here. Maybe you entered in the address for a blog that sucks, and wound up with a good one. Nope, I'm wrong. But sure, I'll take it.

I'm noah, and I have thoughts that sometimes enter my mind that I figured I might occasionally share. That's what this is, not much more. 


There may be peripheral blogs on the horizon, which may include collaboration with others, atheism, moral/ethical philosophy, animal rights/liberation.... but let's be frank(d. darko?): this is probably it for me. Besides, don't take ethics advice from me- go read Locke or Confucius. 


If you know me, feel free to disregard the next few sentences- I live in NY. I like.. everything outdoors basically (apart from things that suck, like dog shit) alternative music you've never heard of that makes me better than you, and wait- I just realized: Why don't people write 'having sex' in their fb statuses? Fucking liars.


Enough. Read this blog. Tell your friends. 'Follow' it. It's certainly better for you than watching re-runs of House of Payne. And don't worry, more on that later.