Let me get this straight right off the bat: There are several acceptable food and beverage items for classroom consumption, this I admit, and we will get to them. However, there are many more which are absolutely prohibited under any circumstance by the laws of common sense, respect for other people, and purpose of being in class in the first place.
We all understand that sometimes, people just don’t have time to have a proper meal at a suitable location, so they are forced to bring their breakfast to class. And hey, class can even go three hours at times, and you might need something to carry you through it. Understandable. There are limits though, you wouldn’t bring a 10-pound steak dinner to class, would you?
First offense: Loud chips. Look, we don’t have a problem with you consuming 200 horrific-for-you calories, we just don’t want to be distracted from the interesting lecture being given up front. More like we just want a different distraction, something that isn’t the rough equivalent of a miniature cowbell orchestra holding a concert sitting atop the anti-tragus of your ear (Leave me alone, my mother is a speech pathologist).
By the way, do you think the Beatles are talking about what I think they are? “Happiness is a warm gun” Yeah, probably. Sluts.
So yeah, cream cheese on a bagel in class. I guess not that big a deal. But to be spreading the cream cheese? That’s where I draw the line. You can bring food to class, but you can’t make it. Make it! If you can spread cream cheese, I’m gonna be in the back making teriyaki fondue and offering fine cheese samples to any late entrants. Besides, that stuff has such a strong smell- who wants to smell your damn food? Nobody besides you buddy.
Speaking of which, let’s talk about the four most commonly found classmates.
You don’t know them, but they are permanently burned into your memory.
I’m doing subtitles now I guess. Is that what you call these things? Who cares.
The Smart Piece of Shit: Here’s the disheveled dark-haired, crummy plaid-shirted, obnoxious, ask-a-thousand-questions dirtbag you will always find in your typical philosophy or neuroscience class. “Excuse me Dr. Powers, wouldn’t that be a self-contradicting ontological argument relative to Descartes’ razing theory of metaphysical proportions?” Jeez can’t this kid shut his face? I’ll give you this though, you’re the smartest kid in the class. But you’re not the only person in here bro.
The Mild P. O. S.: The Robin to his Batman. This guy plays off other peoples’ ideas more than Carlos Mencia. This kid had glasses stuck on his mug before he could say “Daddy, why is that man hitting his forehead against your belt buckle?” All his life he’s been trying to live up to the whole ‘glasses=smart' thing (is that a thing?). Some dumb things stick with us I guess. Every time the S.P.O.S. (Yes, O needs to be mentioned in acronyms, always.) says anything, you get the follow-up insignificant garbage you could only expect to hear from the Mild. I think that’s a quality shorthand for him.
Two Cents: Take a wild guess. There’s no such thing as a subject that gets by without the input of T.C. Typically a female, (as I’m sure you could imagine) her outlook is apparently a necessity 100% of the time. Poor girl, if she only knew that not only do we not care, we probably wouldn’t even if a valuable phoneme managed to escape from her jaw.
Bandana: Aptly named for some kind of head wrap he is likely to be found sporting, Bandana is the stoner kid who shows up 15 minutes late to every class. No biggie I guess, unless you don’t like getting a secondhand high during Anthro. And it might not even be worth mentioning if he wasn’t constantly asking questions one could only consider inquiring about during extreme hallucinatory states. Unlike the others, I think this one is worth having in class if you’ve got someone with a sense of humor to sit next to with adequate distance from the kid. Nothing like a good laugh while some dude tries to explain to 150 people why aborigines pierce the bridges of their noses.
Back to business I guess. The bottom line here is that it just ain’t right to making a dining room out of a small, confined, forcibly-quiet public place. The next time this happens to you, be a pioneer and tell them what you think of it. Just be prepared to feel incredibly empowered.
If you must, bring something quiet, something with a more mild or non-existent smell. No fried or exotic foods. Maybe a pre-cut apple. Even PB n J. Wait till after class if you need more filling nourishment. Classroom etiquette, that's all. Same reason Larry David doesn't wear shorts on planes, same reason we hold in gas in public places (...sometimes). The golden rule right? Mutual respect isn't dead yet... hopefully.
No comments:
Post a Comment